Internalized homophobia often starts with outside messages that work their way into our subconscious, creating internal distress and conflict that spills into the open in ways we don’t even realize.

Overcoming these feelings can be difficult when you aren’t sure what it means to be queer, if you are queer, or how your loved ones and the broader society will view you if you come out.

What Is Internalized Homophobia?

Homophobia is the discomfort, fear, distrust, or even hatred of someone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or anyone who identifies their sexuality as outside of heterosexual norms. Internalized homophobia is when someone who is gay, lesbian, bisexual, or identifies as lgbtq+ experiences homophobia, but turns those feelings toward themselves.

In most cases, internalized homophobia isn’t a voluntary response. It’s usually an involuntary reaction to the homophobic messages someone has received and integrated into their beliefs, and it can happen whether or not that person is aware of their queer identity.

How Does Internalized Homophobia Happen?

External factors often influence the development of internalized homophobia, many of which come from societal norms and messaging we experience while growing up:

Heteronormative dominance. In nearly all parts of society, the default assumption is that everyone is heterosexual. Therefore, someone who isn’t heterosexual isn’t normal.
Religion. Many religions say that being lgbtq+ is a moral failing and queer people “choose” to live a sinful lifestyle.
Systemic bias. A lack of positive lgbtq+ role models means that queerness is often mocked within the media and, in some cases, criminalized by society.

While larger societal messages play a role in our perceptions of anyone who’s lgbtq+, individual experiences often create the circumstances that result in internalized homophobia:

Family relationships. An openly homophobic family can make it difficult for someone who is queer to embrace and accept who they are. They may worry about disappointing their family and being disowned.
Bullying. During the tween and teen years, people who are exploring or outwardly expressing their inner selves can be the victims of bullying and harassment.
Survival. A need to fit in and be accepted can lead to someone suppressing thoughts or feelings that aren’t heteronormative.

Signs of Internalized Homophobia

By its nature, internalized homophobia happens inside someone, generally in their thought processes and even subconsciously. However, certain internal as well as external behaviors could indicate that someone has internalized homophobia.

Negative Self-Talk

Most people experience a little bit of negative self-talk throughout their lives. However, constant negative self-talk about your self-perception, sexual orientation, or how “good” of a person you are could indicate internalized homophobia.

For example, you may think you’re not good enough as you are and that no one will ever love you. Likewise, you may tell yourself that your queer feelings aren’t real or are temporary, or you tell yourself that despite how you feel, you’re really straight, or that these thoughts and feelings are sinful or disgusting, and you will never act on them.

Relationship Struggles

Part of internalized homophobia means being unable to accept your sexual orientation. When that happens, the internal conflict you experience may cause you to struggle in all kinds of interpersonal relationships. While romantic relationships are up there, you may struggle in your friendships, with family members, and even professionally.

Afraid of Being Out

Even if you’ve decided that your queerness isn’t a phase, you may have trouble embracing it, leading you to act from a place of fear. For example, you may be out at home but not in public, or avoid certain neighborhoods or events for fear of being associated with them and then outed. You may change how you dress or speak to make sure you don’t “seem gay.”

Judging People Who Are Out

Whether you’re out or not, you may feel disdain for those who are completely out. You may judge them harshly or not treat them as fairly or respectfully as you do people who aren’t out or who you perceive as not queer.

Impact of Internalized Homophobia on Mental Health

Internalized homophobia can have a significant and negative impact on your mental health, changing your behaviors, thoughts, and actions, though you may not realize the connection between the two.

Persistent Shame

On the surface, you seem perfectly happy and content. When people ask you how things are, you gush about how wonderful everything is. But, deep down, you may be wrestling with deep feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment about your queerness. What’s more, you may not realize that these feelings are a result of your internalized homophobia, making them difficult to resolve.

Often, this shame shows up as overcompensation, and you may behave in a way to make yourself feel the opposite of your inner self. For example, a gay man may pursue “manly” hobbies, like hunting, or cultivate the image of a lady’s man. A lesbian female may dress and act ultrafeminine, even pursuing a “trad wife” lifestyle while secretly pining for women.

Perfectionism

Some people who struggle with internalized homophobia compensate by becoming overachieving perfectionists. For some, it acts as a distraction from the internal conflict they’re experiencing. For others, it becomes a way to “prove” that despite being queer, they are perfect in every other way.

Anxiety

Anxiety can present as panic attacks, but it can also make you feel like you’re constantly on edge or looking out for danger, even when you’re perfectly safe. In a case of internalized homophobia, the anxiety may stem from a fear of being outed when you aren’t ready for it, forcing you to always be aware of how you’re presenting yourself.

How to Overcome Internalized Homophobia

Overcoming internalized homophobia is equal parts embracing who you are and letting go of the negative messages you’ve internalized over the years. It’s not as simple as letting go of damaging thoughts, though. It’s often a multi-step process that doesn’t follow a linear path.

Acknowledge the Internalized Homophobia

Start by acknowledging you may have internalized homophobia. This includes embracing that these messages may have come from the world around you as well as your family. As you begin to understand where the messaging came from, you’ll have a better understanding of how your internalized homophobia developed.

Reflect and Ask Questions

The next step is to reflect and ask questions about your beliefs and how they developed. For example, you may have grown up in a religious household and were taught that queerness is a sin. You may want to ask yourself why your religion teaches that and why your family embraced that belief.

Challenge Negative Beliefs

While you work through your internalized homophobia, negative self-talk will pop up. Instead of letting it run loose, replace it with more positive talk. Challenge the voice that says there’s something wrong with you and replace it with a positive mantra that’s inspiring, or encouraging, like “I am perfect the way I am.”

Practice Self-Care

Letting go of harmful beliefs can be challenging. It may mean letting go of long-held perceptions about yourself, your past, and your future — the dreams you were sold about a traditional path being the only path. For some, it means cutting ties with family and friends. During this time, self-care is crucial. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the space to both grieve and heal.

Seek Support

Working through internalized homophobia isn’t something you should do alone. It’s isolating and grows stronger the longer you try to resolve your feelings on your own. Seeking support from people whom you trust to support you through this journey can help, but many people find that engaging the professional guidance of a trained and licensed therapist provides the objective and emotional support they need to deal with their internalized homophobia.

Find Acceptance

Overcoming internalized homophobia is possible, but the journey may not be a straight path. There will be times it’s easier than others and times when it’s challenging, but we can help. At Caretta Queer Counseling, we accept everyone as they are and where they are, providing the support you need to embrace your inner self and find the peace you’ve been looking for.

Contact us today to schedule a free consultation and learn more about our queer-centered counseling services.

How to Deal With Internalized Homophobia