Navigating the Season: A Guide to Queer Survival During the Holidays
The holiday season is often called the "most wonderful time of the year." We see commercials of happy families, big dinners, and perfect gifts. But for many people in the LGBTQIA+ community, this season feels very different. Instead of joy, you might feel dread. Instead of excitement, you might feel fear.
If you are preparing to see family members who do not support who you are, your feelings are valid. It is okay to feel anxious. Here at Caretta Counseling, we know that "going home" isn't always safe or welcoming for everyone.
This guide is here to help you navigate these challenges. We want to focus on your queer survival and well-being during this busy time of year.
Key Takeaways
Your feelings are valid. It is normal to feel stress or anxiety about seeing unsupportive family members.
Preparation is power. Having a plan before you walk through the door can help keep you safe.
You are not alone. There are ways to find support and comfort, even during difficult family gatherings.
What Is Holiday Stress for the LGBTQIA+ Community?
Everyone deals with some stress during the holidays. There is traffic, cooking, and spending money on gifts. However, for queer people, the stress often goes much deeper. This is sometimes called minority stress. This means the stress comes from being in a world (or a family) that does not fully accept your identity.
Here are a few examples of what this looks like:
Microaggressions: These are small, often subtle comments that sting. It might be a relative refusing to use your correct pronouns. It could be someone making a "joke" about your appearance or voice. These little cuts add up and can make you feel exhausted.
The "Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell" Pressure: Some families might let you visit, but only if you hide who you are. They might ask you not to bring your partner. They might ask you to dress differently. This forces you to hide a big part of yourself just to keep the peace. This is incredibly draining for your mental health.
Hypervigilance: This is a fancy word for being on high alert. When you are in an unsupportive home, your brain is constantly scanning for danger. You are always watching what you say or how you sit. It makes it impossible to relax.
Religious or Moral Guilt: Family members might use religion to make you feel bad about your identity. Hearing that your life is "wrong" or "sinful" from people you love is deeply painful.
How to Prepare: Your Queer Survival Strategy
You cannot control how your family behaves. However, you can control how you prepare. Think of this as building a safety kit for your emotions. Here are three evidence-based strategies to help you get through the event.
1. Create an Escape Plan
When we feel threatened, our bodies want to fight or flee. In a family setting, you usually can't fight. So, you need a way to flee (take a break).
Have a reason to leave. Plan an excuse ahead of time. You can say you promised to meet a friend, or you need to walk the dog.
Drive yourself if possible. If you have your own car, you are not stuck waiting for someone else to leave.
Set a time limit. Decide before you go that you will only stay for two hours. Stick to that time.
2. The "Grey Rock" Method
If a family member tries to start an argument or says something hurtful, you do not have to engage. You can use a technique called "Grey Rocking."
Be boring. Make your answers short and dull. Use words like "Okay," "Maybe," or "I see."
Do not share feelings. If you show emotion, they might keep pushing. If you act like a boring grey rock, they often lose interest and move on.
Protect your energy. Save your real conversations for people who value you.
3. Bring a Safety Anchor
A safety anchor is something small that reminds you of who you really are. It helps ground you when things feel overwhelming.
Physical Object: Keep a small stone, a piece of jewelry, or a fidget toy in your pocket. Touch it when you feel stressed.
Digital Anchor: Change your phone background to a photo of your chosen family, your pet, or a comforting quote. Look at it when you need a reminder that you are loved.
How to Support a Loved One
Maybe you aren't the one going to an unsupportive home, but you know someone who is. Being an ally during the holidays can save a life. Here is how you can offer LGBTQIA+ support.
The Check-In Text: Send a text message on the day of the gathering. Keep it simple. "Thinking of you today. No need to reply, just sending love." This reminds them they have a support system outside of that house.
Be a Buffer: If you are at the same gathering, step in. If a relative starts asking intrusive questions, change the subject. You can say, "I'd actually love to hear about Aunt Sarah's garden," and steer the conversation away.
Create "Chosen Family" Time: Offer to hang out after the family obligation is over. Plan a movie night or a coffee date. Give them something positive to look forward to.
A Note on Self-Worth
The most important thing to remember for your queer survival this season is this: You are worthy of love and respect.
Your family's inability to see your worth does not change your value. You deserve to be in spaces where you are celebrated, not just tolerated. If going home feels unsafe for your physical or mental health, it is okay to say no. You are allowed to create your own traditions.
If you are struggling with holiday stress, anxiety, or family relationships, Caretta Counseling is here for you. Our counselors are part of the community. We get it, and we can help.
Ready to find your affirming space?
Visit our website to learn more about our team.
Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation.
Let us help you build a life full of genuine support and joy.
Disclaimers: This is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional therapy. If you are experiencing a mental health crisis, contact your local crisis center or the National crisis hotline at 988.